I’m going to tell her

HI! Remember I mentioned I had a best friend who didn’t know anything of what was going on in my house? In case you don’t remember here’s the post. And in case you don’t know what goes on in my house here and here are the posts.

So the reason my best of best friends didn’t know about what really went on was because I didn’t want her to change her way of thinking about my mom. It was nice to have a friend who could come into my house without me thinking they knew all this bad things my mom did to me, someone who wouldn’t judge.

But a lot of changes are going on in my life right now  (moving out of my mother’s house, thinking about changing careers) and I think it’s time to start with a clean-cut. Besides, today my special friend opened up about a secret of hers, she’s seeing a girl. Which would make her bi. I was so surprised and happy she told me. Have you ever seen Meryl Streep’s reaction to the acceptance speech Patricia Arquette gave on the 2015 academy awards? Well that was me when she told me.

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This made me think of all the things I never told her in fear she would, not judge me, but judge my mom. For some weird reason I think it’s okay if I talk bad about my mom but if others do that just gets me mad. So of course we talk about meeting up because we obviously need to talk, and I want details! I decided to take my chance and really, really trust in her and tell her about what really goes on.

I just hope I’m strong enough to tell her and not regret it like I did with my other friends.

See ya!

MOVIE: Twelfth Night or What You Will (1996)

twelfth night

What’s up people, I hope you’re doing great. Genuinely great and not the “I’m great!” but what really means is “I want Satan to take my soul so I can be in peace :)”

As you may know… or not, actually not because I never told, this year I started watching all the adaptations of the Shakespeare plays I read. Yesterday was Twelfth Night. For those who don’t know what’s about I’m going to give you the Wikipedia summary:

The play centres on the twins Viola and Sebastian, who are separated in a shipwreck. Viola (who is disguised as a boy) falls in love with Duke Orsino, who in turn is in love with the Countess Olivia. Upon meeting Viola, Countess Olivia falls in love with her thinking she is a man.

I’m not going to do a review about the film because I like doing reviews about new movies and this one is 20 years old. However I am going to say this was a nice movie. The play brings a lot of gender issues, I thought so it was interesting to see it besides reading it. It had a beautiful scenario set in Cornwell, England. Olivia’s house in particular was incredible. And of course, a good cast. I never saw Imogen Stubbs in a movie but she did great as Viola/Cesario, Helena Bonham Carter (Olivia), Ben Kingsley (Feste) and Imelda Staunton (Maria) were the only actors I knew here. Oh and fun fact: Maggie Smith’s son plays Orsino

I actually decided to this post because… I don’t know I like doing posts and talk about movies and stuff and if by any chance you cross paths with this movie you’ll think “Oh I saw a post about this movie, let’s see if it was right about what it said” or something like that.

I’ll leave you the trailer here

see ya!

 

Feelings and Friends

rebel without a cause

This is kind of second part of the post Going Out and Anxiety so if you want to understand a little more you should read it. If you don’t feel like reading it it’s okay, I basically write about going out on friday for a birthday party and how nervous I am. It’s also about a little discussion I had with a friend over the fact that my friends think I’m drifting away from them. I first thought I was just getting carried away mentioning this discussion but I’m glad I did because it had a major impact yesterday.

So, yesterday I met my friends at a bar and we had a few drinks and pizza, then we went to the first bar and had another drink (not me) and chat a little and then we moved to other two bars before we went to the club. During this period of time I didn’t spoke too much and I was bit lost about who to follow or who should I stay with. Clearly one of my friends (my best friend in high school) was kind of mad at me because every time I followed her she would stay quiet and then leave to find someone else. When I was with her and the birthday girl she would hug her and completely ignore me. It hurts, but I guess I deserve it for disappearing.

When we were at the third bar before going to the club the friend I had a discussion over texts with asked me if I would make her company while she smoked outside. So because I was just there in silence doing nothing I followed her. She said that she wanted to talk to me about the conversation over messages we had and that her intention was not for me to feel like they were mad at me or something, that she clearly couldn’t express it right because she had the feeling the conversation made me feel worse than I already felt. I told her it was fine, that I needed that little push to realize a couple of things about myself. Of course I didn’t tell her that after that conversation I ended up crying for an hour in the shower.

She then tried to explain me that they were there for me and that everything was more than okay with us. It didn’t matter if we didn’t speak for a while, every conversation we have was going to be as if we didn’t even spent months not seeing each other, I thought it was very sweet of her to tell me this because I’m usually the kind of person that needs reassurance (and I hate that about myself) She wanted to keep talking to me but after we spent the whole way to the club talking (mostly her) the other girls catched up with us and as we entered to the club we stopped talking about the subject.

Then she asked me again if I would go with her outside so she could smoke (again) and since I knew she wanted to keep talking about it and I wanted too I went with her. obviously we couldn’t get out because they wouldn’t let us back in so we tried to find the other girls. The place was really crowded and I started to feel a bit anxious but I thought it was normal since it’s not my every day atmosphere. But after that I started feeling the urge to cry and when we stopped I had to close my eyes to keep the tears back. I didn’t know why I wanted to cry. I was feeling overall okay, I didn’t feel pushed or intimidated. My friend saw me and asked me if I was okay and I told her everything was fine because I knew that she would want to get me outside for fresh air and we wouldn’t be able to get back in and I didn’t have any trouble with that but I didn’t want to ruin her night, it wasn’t fair.

She’s not stupid though, she already saw me having a panick attack so she knew this was it, she took me outside and suddenly I found myself crying and choking outside the club on that friday night that I was hoping it would go well. The whole time while she was trying to keep me calm I was cursing at myself because why did this things had to happen to me? Why couldn’t I enjoy a night out like the other? I wasn’t having a bad time, I mean it was not great but it was okay and I could work with okay.

I did the most weird thing las night, we ended up sitting down on the sidewalk and I couldn’t stop crying. She told me to let it all out and I just did. She talked a lot about how they loved me and wanted me to talk to them about this issues I was having because she didn’t want me to hide everything, put a nice face and act like everything was just normal and okay when it wasn’t.

She mentioned the fact that some of them (and she wasn’t going to give names but I had an idea) were starting to give up on me and that she tried to make them understand that this was not easy for me. This made me cry even more. I don’t know why, I should have known something like that would happen. I want to stay away from them yet I cry because they’re finally letting me go? what the hell is wrong with me? This friend in particular had some similar home issues so I guess that is why she felt more tolerable towards me.

I told her a couple of things and I found myself telling her something I didn’t even tell to my therapist. We talked and talked and talked and I cried and cried until I couldn’t anymore and yes… all of this on the sidewalk a few steps from the club.

We ended up going to the gas station market to buy food because she was hungry and then we went back near the club to eat and wait for the other to get out. When I checked my phone I had texts of them asking me where the hell were we. Yep they were mad. Specially this friend that seemed to be mad with me before we disappeared. At the end they ended up going home and my friend (the one who I was with) walked me to the bus station and kept me company while we waited for the bus even though her house was the other way, I thought this was really nice of her, like the kind of friend I want to have, that I have and failed to notice.

But… with me there’s always complications. I’m supposed to feel liberated, to feel fine because things are finally going on the right way. So why do I feel like crap? I don’t feel liberated I feel… I don’t know, I guess I feel exposed. That’s the word. I feel like because of the situation I found myself yesterday I opened up but maybe I really didn’t want to, so why the hell did I tell her all those things? Ugh, I should be feeling okay and happy that things with my friends are working out and all I feel is a bad vibe around all of yesterday. I don’t want to sound disgraceful, I am, to the moon and back, thankful for my friend and her support. I just wish I hadn’t exposed myself so much.

Tomorrow I’m seeing them again, I’m not going to hope for something good to happen, last time I did that yesterday happened.

The Character Book Tag

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Chloe from (Over) Analysing Literature left this tag open and I thought it looked like fun so I’m gonna do it and hope I don’t end up rambling about the characters because I feel like a proud mom when I talk about them. Alright let’s do it!

In fair warning I haven’t been reading lately so my answers might have no sense or talk about old books I read.

1. Who is the most tough and awesome character?

Hmm… this is hard. I’m between Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen. Funny thing is these two protagonist are the ones which I had most trouble liking at first place but have to admit they’re awesome and tough.

Harry lost his family when he was a baby and had to go through all those years of abuse by the Dursleys. Then he got to hear how great his parents were and how they had been murdered by a dark wizard who seemed to be after him. When he founds Sirius, his godfather, he feels like he might have a  chance of having a family and then Sirius dies.

Harry went through a lot, I mean, he came back from the dead! And he did all this being just a kid. He’s pretty much awesome because he’s a great wizard even though he seemed to have no idea what he’s doing most of the time, he goes with whatever idea comes first and it always works. I don’t think I need more excuse,  he defeated Lord Voldemort when he was just a baby!

Katniss was used as a political symbol being just 17 years old, she started a revolution that change millions of lives… AND SHE WAS JUST 17! At 17 I was failing almost every subject of high school. Plus she did all that for her sister and in the end her sister dies…

2. Which character do you most dislike?

This is also hard… I have a feeling every question is going to be hard for me. I didn’t finish this series but Sebastian from The Mortal Instruments was a piece of sh*t.

3. If you could date a fictional character,whom would it be?

RICHARD GANSEY III… he, he. Or Blue Sargent, she’s the best. When I was young I had a major crush on Ponyboy from The Outsiders… or Mr. Knightley from Emma… I could go on.

4. If you could change a character in any way what would it be?

I don’t know, I guess that while reading I have a lot of comments towards the characters and their personalities but after I finished the books I just see the bigger picture rather than that aspect of their personality.

5.What character made all the wrong choices which didn’t add anything to the story?

Noah from I’ll Give You the Sun… I do get he was really young and had a lot on his shoulder so I don’t really blame him but he did make some bad decisions that could have been avoided.

I could also mention Macbeth here but his wrong choices added a lot to the story.

6. Which Character do you love to hate?

I guess I could go with Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Honorable mentions: Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter, Joseph Kavinsky from The Dream Thieves, Don John from Much Ado About Nothing, Nick Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream (I don’t know I just can’t get to like that character)…

7. Favorite sidekick character with the most heart.

Noah from The Raven Boys 🙂

I want to stop mentioning Harry Potter and that’s why I’m not saying Ron or Hermione.

8. What is your favorite fictional romantic relationship?

*Sweats because she wants to keep mentioning HP characters* Gansey and Blue from The Raven Boys, they’re so different yet you get the feeling they go well together. They know they’re not going to find what they’re looking for in each other but it doesn’t mean they can’t find it hand in hand.

Also: Scarlet and Wolf from The Lunar Chronicles, they’re so cute!!! Ronan and Adam from The Raven Cycle too.Chloe mentioned Gilbert and Anne from Anne of Green Gables and I absolutely agree. Beatrice and Benedick and yeah alright I’m sorry I have to… I love Ron and Hermione and Ginny and Harry.

9. Who do you think is the strongest character?

They’re a lot of characters that would enter in this area. I mean all the protagonists are usually really strong characters. I could mention Oliver Twist because he was just a kid and he went trough a lot but I read the book a long time ago (like 8 years ago) and I don’t remember that much of it.

10. Best protagonist?

I feel like Blue Sargent is the proper answer here. Usually it takes me a while to like the protagonist but I loved her from the first chapter (My precious feminist baby!). Also Lou Clark from Me Before You was a character I undoubtedly liked. Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower… It’s really difficult choosing one.

11. Whom do you tag?

Everyone! If you want to do it, do it. If you don’t, don’t. Your choice!

 

Going Out and Anxiety

Tomorrow I’m going out. Yeah me, going out like going to dance and “get drunk af!1!!!” How did I get into this situation? Well…

One of my friends is celebrating her birthday. I mentioned in this post I have two groups of friends, this girl is from my “best friends from high school” group. The issue with these girls is I’ve been slowly drifting away from them since last year. I went through a lot of phases with the subject, first the “I hate them” phase and then the “I’m the worst friend ever, this is all my fault” phase.

The thing is one of them kind of got mad at me and reclaimed me a couple of things (via messages) She said I should talk more, that I was creating distance between them and that everyone had issues and everyone talked about them because we were all best friends and that’s what we should do. I told her that I dealt with my problems in a different way, which I had hoped they would know by now.

This is when I realized that I was dealing with everything that was happening to me by digging a hole in myself and disappearing in it… like depression. I cried a lot that day while answering back to her because it finally hit me, I was sad. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything and it wasn’t a phase, I was depressed. When I told my therapist that I was afraid of what was going on with me she told me the good thing about facing this was that now I could fight to get out of the hole.

Back to my friend, I ended up telling her she was right because she was. I was being shitty by pushing them away. I told her I didn’t want to talk to them about my issues because I didn’t want to put them down. They had a lot of happy things to tell to each other and people to talk about and here I was talking about my damn issues at home… again. My life is that and nothing else. She then proceeded to explain to me that those were the exact things they wanted to hear from me because they were my friends and they were supposed to be there for me and listen to those things.

What I really thought was that these were not just problems at home I could talk to them about it and then gossip about “that guy/girl from last time” because these problems were my entire life. That was it. I was that and who would want to be a friend of someone who’s life is like that?  Someone who doesn’t have anything to talk about aside from what goes on in her house? I didn’t tell her though because I’m me and I’m not honest about how I feel… usually because I just don’t know how I really feel.

So as I told her I would try to be more involved in the friendship. We had a picnic a week after and I promised myself I would be honest with them if they asked. They didn’t ask though and most of the time I stayed quiet listening to them. They were nice though. In everything they talked about they tried to explain where or when it happened. They did asked me about university and as I promised myself I told them the truth, that I was really confused and was going to wait until the end of the year to see what to do.

Now, a picnic is a lot more different that heading to a couple of bars and then going dancing not just with them but with a bunch of people who I don’t know (from her uni) and some guys from high school I do not know how to talk to them. So naturally, my anxiety is having an anxiety attack. Yesterday I could not sleep thinking about what I would wear and how would I get there and who would I be with and if I was going to drink or not, if I was going to stay quiet or talk, if I was going to look very needy if I followed my friends everywhere, if I was going to look stupid if I danced, etc. My heartbeat rising every once in a while reminding me that this is how I have to deal with just a night out.

I know that at the end of the day I end up wearing what I like and not what I think it would be more appropriate because I convince myself that if I’m going to do this thing at least I should go feeling comfortable with myself. Then, when I get there, I feel out-of-place and have a terrible urge to just go home. About my transport is always an issue because I don’t drive and the city is really dangerous at night. Besides I live a little far from where most of them live. When it comes to drinking I always end up doing it and feeling like crap after it. Alcohol can be great for someone who is shy and anxious, one becomes uninhibited I think is the correct word. And I’m 20, here you can drink at 18, however I feel really bad and conscious after it. Like I did something bad and something I shouldn’t be proud of.

Going out is a hell of a deal for me. I end up not knowing what to do or how to act and I know that tomorrow while I’m changing all I’m going to be thinking of is I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go. 

I’m hoping for a rush of confidence and just don’t give a damn about it anymore.

Thanks for reading, see ya!

PS: I already used this title but I edited that post because I felt like the title is more appropriate for this post since the other talked about hanging out with friends rather than actually going out like “partaaayy” going out… Yeah I just said that, I’m going to stop writing now…

REVIEW: X-Men Apocalypse

x-men apocalupse

We had a new Marvel movie in theaters last week and I’m ready to talk about it. I probably love all the X-Men movies and their characters though I admit I prefer the Avengers. Possibly because I read more Avengers comics rather than X-Men ones. I always get so confused with them, I have read a few though.

In this movie some years have passed since X-Men: Days of Future Past, Charles in dealing with Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and Erik is dealing with his new secret life. Both old friends haven’t seen each other since and things seem to go well. But because is a movie trouble always finds the main characters.

From the start we can see the movie has a huge production. The plot follows Apocalypse an ancient mutant believed to be the first one who awakens again and like every villain ever tries to take over the world. He carries his 4 horsemen with him, in this case Storm (my fave), Archangel, Psylocke and Magneto. Of course Erik joining the horsemen brings trouble in mutant paradise city (Xavier School), specially to Charles and Raven.

I don’t want to spoil too much but overall X-Men Apocalypse was a great movie. If you have been following the X-Men cinematic universe then you’ll understand a bit more that if you didn’t watch the others, plus I know the timeline can get a bit messy. I’m still trying to figure out if this one or Days of Future Past was my favorite. What’s also interesting about Apocalypse is that we get to meet again Jean Grey (Phoenix), Scott Summers (Cyclops), Ororo Munroe (Storm) and Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler) as teenagers and I don’t know about you but I always love when we get to see flashbacks of characters as kids or teenagers, here we get a whole movie!

This new/old characters were really great and boosted the film aswell. We also get to see a little of Jubilee too though I wish we could have seen more and that’s probably my only complain about the movie. Other characters worth mentioning are Quicksilver and Moira Mactaggert. I love Rose Byrne so I’m really happy she was back and Peter might possibly have stolen the movie with his funny and quick comments.

Though the “Take over the world” villain plot is old, the movie remains pretty stable, the action scenes are well used with a great soundtrack accompanying and all the characters are amazing. Of course I wish we could  have seen some of them speak more like Psylocke or Storm but they took a great place in the fighting scenes.

So here’s the general list of things I like

  • Jean and Scott relationship throughout the movie, cuties!
  • Erik and Charles relationship, always (I ship that so hard guys)
  • Kurt being all cute and interacting with Raven.
  • Quicksilver in general.
  • Oscar Isaac as Apocalypse.
  • Wolverine appearance that I’m not spoiling because we saw him in the trailer.
  • Mental fight!
  • Hank in general, he’s such a nice character.
  • Ororo, my favorite X-Men.
  • Psylocke and Warren (Archangel)
  • Soundtrack so powerful!

See ya!

 

Be My Guest (Movie Facts)

beauty and the beast

So today I lost my chill somewhere at 10am when I woke up and saw the Beauty and the Beast teaser trailer. I’m so excited for this movie and as usual I want to talk about my excitement with you guys. But in order to keep it “entertaining” I’m going to do some fun facts about the 1991 movie aside from, you know, fangirling about it. 

Ok so as soon as the music started playing I got chills! Everything looks so incredible. I always said the Beauty and the Beast castle is my favorite Disney castle and it should have been on one of the Disney parks because it’s honestly perfect. Ewan McGregor plays Lumiere and Ian McKellen Cogsworth and their voices were seriously on point! And Emma! From the moment she announced she was going to be Belle in the new remake I thought she was a perfect fit for the role.

The music was amazing and it’s basically what I’m more excited about. The 1991 movie soundtrack is possibly one of the best soundtracks Disney ever made with an Academy Award to prove it.

Beside Emma Watson as Belle I’m also really excited to see Lumiere, Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts since their voices are portrayed by Ewan McGregor and Ian McKellen, who I mentioned before, and also Emma Thompson! (who I love a lot.)

Ok so now that I’m done fangirling let’s move to the facts:

  • The art director from the movie (Brian McEntee) color-keyed Belle so that she was the only one in the town wearing blue. This was a symbol of how different she was from the rest. Beast, another outcast also wears blue and has blue eyes. In the film blue is good and red is evil (Gaston’s shirt)
  • Most of the sculptures we see in the castle are different earlier versions of the Beast.

beasts

  • In the prologue they state that the rose will bloom until the prince is twenty-one. Later when Lumiere sings “Ten years we’ve been rusting…” in “Be Our Guest” we learn that the castle has been enchanted for ten years which means that the Beast is 21 and was only eleven when he was enchanted. I think that could also explain why he has difficulty reading (I mean I know you learn to read at 6 or 7 but… actually I don’t know)
  • The song “Human Again” was cut just before production started. The song was later added to the Broadway show and was recorded and animated for the 2002 re-release of the film. This is one of my favorite Disney songs and I honestly hope they add it to the 2017 film.
  • There were some early sketches of  scenes that were dropped because they were considered gruesome for the film, this included a scene where the Beast is seen dragging the carcass of an animal he killed. However in the movie we can see an animal’s skeleton.
  • In Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve’s “The Story of Beauty and the Beast” (the original version of the story) the prince was turned into a beast not for being selfish and unloving but for refusing to marry his evil fairy godmother. Belle’s challenge in that version was not to understand the Beast’s temperament but his stupidity (he could not express himself intelligently)
  • Chip is the only on of the castle (besides the Beast) ro refer to Belle by her name.
  • the Beast name was never mentioned in the media franchise, however, it has been confirmed by “The D Show” and the broadway version that his name was Prince Adam.
  • Chip ended up being the “cute character” of the movie but originally that role was for a music box which was supposed to be a musical version of Dopey in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The music box could soothe the Beast with its music and stowed away with Belle when she was freed but because they liked Bradley Pierce’s voice so much (Chip) they decided to expand his dialogue and the music box idea was scrapped. We can see the music box in a part of the movie though.

music box

  • They’re several hidden mickey’s in this movie: One after Gaston and the men chop down the tree, we can see 3 droplets of water that form an upside-down Mickey head. Another, a trio of stones by the roots to the left cottage at the beginning and during “Human Again” sequence we can see another one.
  • “Be Our Guest” was originally supposed to be sung to Maurice, Belle’s father but they didn’t want to waste such a good song on a secondary character.
  • in the first song we see Belle sitting by a fountain. As she reads the blue book she earlier described to have a prince in disguise, the story resemblance the Beauty and the Beast one and when she flips to a page with a picture if you look closely you will see that she is in the bottom right. the beast in the middle left and the castle in the middle.
  • In 1988, Disney hired British animation director Richard Purdum to adapt the film. His version of the film was a darker, non-musical adaptions; it also took place in 18th-century France. You can watch it here.

  • When Gaston is falling at the very end, a tiny skull flashes in each of his eyes during a close-up of his face. This is meant to symbolize that he does indeed die.

gaston

  • The finale dance between Belle and the Prince is actually reused animation from the finale dance between Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip inSleeping Beauty.

(You can see other recycled animation scenes in that video)

  • Disney originally wanted Jodi Benson, the voice of Ariel in The Little Mermaid, to provide the voice for Belle.

  • In 2002, the Library of Congress deemed Beauty and the Beast a “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” film and selected it for preservation in the National Film Registry.

Hope you enjoyed 🙂

See ya!