remember when?

Remember that post where I told you guys about me being gone because of my finals, yeah well my finals ended like a month ago. Not really but sort of.

I’m starting to think I’m not that good at keeping up a blog, haha. The truth is I don’t know what to tell you about. I feel a million things I want to share, I see and read and experience things that I want to post for you and me yet somehow I can’t get myself to write them down…

I don’t want to exaggerate, my life is still pretty basic and normal. The only thing that changes are the new lives I live in books and the music I listen (I still listen to mostly hamilton) and the movies I enjoy. I do have different feelings that I feel like sharing but at the same time it confuses me because I feel like I’m mixing everything into this blog and at the end of the day no one knows what this is about, not even me.

I’m still going to write though, I just need more time to put my feelings together and analyse what’s going on in my life before pour it all down. And most important I need to remember that though readers are more than welcome I’m doing this for me.

hope we read each other soon.

 

Updates on life

So I haven’t been here much since last week movie review and I must apologize because I said that I finished my exams and that now I was going to be able to write more but turns out it wasn’t like that.

At the moment I’m moving out of my house.

Well, I moved out of my house like a month ago but now is official. While I was moving out because of all the issues with my mother, she was having some problems with my sister’s father and the rent of the apartment. He stopped paying for it. So because it’s a rent eviction came and now my mother and my sister (and partially me too) had to get our things out of the apartment and get a new place immediately. Since I moved out my mom got a place with room for her and my sister only so you could say now it’s official. For the moment I’m living in my grandparent’s loft since they’re in Europe and I don’t have nowhere to go because we still have to find a place for me.

Even my sister and mom will be joining me in my grandpa’s loft for some days until vacations because although they have a place in the sight, a lot of papers have to be checked. The thing is next week we’re all traveling to US so the search and the move out are going to be paused until we return here. Yeah, everything is pretty messy these days plus my finals are three days before going on vacations.

 Yet somehow I’m relaxed and tranquil. I’m happy for the trip to Florida and because we are going to be able to go to Universal and Disney (my favorite places in the entire world if you have been reading my first posts you’ll understand) My grandparents are coming back this week as well so that’s another point of positivity. Yesterday I saw two of my friends for a bit of time because they’re were getting together to study and I had to give one of them a present for her birthday so even though I didn’t have the time to stay and study I went to see them, I hope they notice this as a demonstration of how I care about them even if sometimes I don’t show it. 

I want to promise that I will be more present but I don’t want to lie to you, the truth is busy days are coming. I’m going to try my best though because I really love writing here.

 

See ya!

easier said than done

Story time! Last friday I went to have dinner with a friend, one of the few ones I feel I can express myself freely without regretting what I do or say (although nowadays I regret everything I do) I spoke to her about how I moved out of my house (Oh yeah, I moved out! probably post about this coming soon) and how now that everything was relatively okay new feelings inside me were coming out, things that I guess I kept inside because I couldn’t deal with them at the moment. I didn’t really want to mention what things but she asked if she could know, and because I don’t know how to say no I told her.

My friend then proceeded to give me this advice “It’s okay to not be okay”.

“I know” I said. “But I shouldn’t feel this bad, I should feel bad about things that are going on now but not the past, that’s just a waste of time”

“Look, ” She answered me with that tone of voice she uses when she knows what she’s talking about “I know you know it’s okay not to be okay, but I also know it’s easier said than done. As soon as you feel bad you start to wonder why you feel that way, you don’t want feel like that and you want it to stop, so yeah, easier said than done”

She was right. I was always the kind of person who said to people you couldn’t be happy all the time. Cause then you don’t learn about sadness and if you don’t know sadness how are you so sure of what happiness is? There’s nothing more beautiful that a shot of happiness after a dark hour. You know you’re happy because you felt what being sad feels like and you learn the difference. I don’t know if I’m making sense, sometimes expressing this ideas is really hard for me in a language that is not mine.

“It’s okay to cry” I say and yet I wonder why sometimes I just start crying out of nowhere. Why sometimes all of a sudden thoughts of the past fill my eyes with big tears, why do I cry myself to sleep if it’s over? Why am I sad if I’m free?

All these are questions that already answered. And yet in the moment I still wonder them, yet at the moment of crying and letting it go I don’t want to.

I still have to learn that is alright. It’s normal, to feel overwhelmed after all of what happened. To pick up the idea that this will pass and that crying is not forever, that if this didn’t happen then I wouldn’t truly value my shot of happiness. And that’s why it’s easier said than done.

I’m going to tell her

HI! Remember I mentioned I had a best friend who didn’t know anything of what was going on in my house? In case you don’t remember here’s the post. And in case you don’t know what goes on in my house here and here are the posts.

So the reason my best of best friends didn’t know about what really went on was because I didn’t want her to change her way of thinking about my mom. It was nice to have a friend who could come into my house without me thinking they knew all this bad things my mom did to me, someone who wouldn’t judge.

But a lot of changes are going on in my life right now  (moving out of my mother’s house, thinking about changing careers) and I think it’s time to start with a clean-cut. Besides, today my special friend opened up about a secret of hers, she’s seeing a girl. Which would make her bi. I was so surprised and happy she told me. Have you ever seen Meryl Streep’s reaction to the acceptance speech Patricia Arquette gave on the 2015 academy awards? Well that was me when she told me.

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This made me think of all the things I never told her in fear she would, not judge me, but judge my mom. For some weird reason I think it’s okay if I talk bad about my mom but if others do that just gets me mad. So of course we talk about meeting up because we obviously need to talk, and I want details! I decided to take my chance and really, really trust in her and tell her about what really goes on.

I just hope I’m strong enough to tell her and not regret it like I did with my other friends.

See ya!

Going Out and Anxiety

Tomorrow I’m going out. Yeah me, going out like going to dance and “get drunk af!1!!!” How did I get into this situation? Well…

One of my friends is celebrating her birthday. I mentioned in this post I have two groups of friends, this girl is from my “best friends from high school” group. The issue with these girls is I’ve been slowly drifting away from them since last year. I went through a lot of phases with the subject, first the “I hate them” phase and then the “I’m the worst friend ever, this is all my fault” phase.

The thing is one of them kind of got mad at me and reclaimed me a couple of things (via messages) She said I should talk more, that I was creating distance between them and that everyone had issues and everyone talked about them because we were all best friends and that’s what we should do. I told her that I dealt with my problems in a different way, which I had hoped they would know by now.

This is when I realized that I was dealing with everything that was happening to me by digging a hole in myself and disappearing in it… like depression. I cried a lot that day while answering back to her because it finally hit me, I was sad. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything and it wasn’t a phase, I was depressed. When I told my therapist that I was afraid of what was going on with me she told me the good thing about facing this was that now I could fight to get out of the hole.

Back to my friend, I ended up telling her she was right because she was. I was being shitty by pushing them away. I told her I didn’t want to talk to them about my issues because I didn’t want to put them down. They had a lot of happy things to tell to each other and people to talk about and here I was talking about my damn issues at home… again. My life is that and nothing else. She then proceeded to explain to me that those were the exact things they wanted to hear from me because they were my friends and they were supposed to be there for me and listen to those things.

What I really thought was that these were not just problems at home I could talk to them about it and then gossip about “that guy/girl from last time” because these problems were my entire life. That was it. I was that and who would want to be a friend of someone who’s life is like that?  Someone who doesn’t have anything to talk about aside from what goes on in her house? I didn’t tell her though because I’m me and I’m not honest about how I feel… usually because I just don’t know how I really feel.

So as I told her I would try to be more involved in the friendship. We had a picnic a week after and I promised myself I would be honest with them if they asked. They didn’t ask though and most of the time I stayed quiet listening to them. They were nice though. In everything they talked about they tried to explain where or when it happened. They did asked me about university and as I promised myself I told them the truth, that I was really confused and was going to wait until the end of the year to see what to do.

Now, a picnic is a lot more different that heading to a couple of bars and then going dancing not just with them but with a bunch of people who I don’t know (from her uni) and some guys from high school I do not know how to talk to them. So naturally, my anxiety is having an anxiety attack. Yesterday I could not sleep thinking about what I would wear and how would I get there and who would I be with and if I was going to drink or not, if I was going to stay quiet or talk, if I was going to look very needy if I followed my friends everywhere, if I was going to look stupid if I danced, etc. My heartbeat rising every once in a while reminding me that this is how I have to deal with just a night out.

I know that at the end of the day I end up wearing what I like and not what I think it would be more appropriate because I convince myself that if I’m going to do this thing at least I should go feeling comfortable with myself. Then, when I get there, I feel out-of-place and have a terrible urge to just go home. About my transport is always an issue because I don’t drive and the city is really dangerous at night. Besides I live a little far from where most of them live. When it comes to drinking I always end up doing it and feeling like crap after it. Alcohol can be great for someone who is shy and anxious, one becomes uninhibited I think is the correct word. And I’m 20, here you can drink at 18, however I feel really bad and conscious after it. Like I did something bad and something I shouldn’t be proud of.

Going out is a hell of a deal for me. I end up not knowing what to do or how to act and I know that tomorrow while I’m changing all I’m going to be thinking of is I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go. 

I’m hoping for a rush of confidence and just don’t give a damn about it anymore.

Thanks for reading, see ya!

PS: I already used this title but I edited that post because I felt like the title is more appropriate for this post since the other talked about hanging out with friends rather than actually going out like “partaaayy” going out… Yeah I just said that, I’m going to stop writing now…

Fix a Wall

I wanted to write this as a sequence to my “Punch a Wall” post I made weeks ago. Just to tell how things are going. I feel like I can’t drop a post like that and then don’t talk about it again.

Things are pretty much the same. My life seems to be stuck nowadays. My mom still drinks, she doesn’t leave at 3 am with strangers but the problem is still there. The good news is tomorrow my grandparents are going to talk you my therapist, which also makes me really anxious. I know it’s for the best, we’ll probably discuss how I’m feeling lately and the solution we should take on my mother. My grandparents are odd characters so of course I’m a little nervous but hopefully things will go well, at least that is what I’m trying to convince myself of.

Tomorrow we are also going to see a small apartment (for me) a street away from my grandparent’s house. It’s one of the solutions we are trying to figure out. It’s like the third time we do this, my grandpa always takes it back because he says I’m not ready to live alone, he says the city is very dangerous and I’m very young. I understand his point of view, I am a little young, most of my friends still live with their parents but most of my friends don’t have this kind of problems. I mean, everybody has family issues. Some of my friends even have them similar to mine but not quite the same, their health (mental and physical) is not compromised, they have two parents and they don’t have a younger sister to take care of. I’m not trying to say their problems are less but they’re different with different people and different solutions and situations.

Obviously I can’t take my sister with me. I’m not 21 yet and if his father found out my sister is living with me he would take her away and nobody wants that so what we thought is a place near my house (my mom’s house is near my grandparent’s house) so in case something happens I can take my sister to my apartment. She would have a bed there and we would be near my grandparents too.

You may ask why I don’t live with my grandparents. Well, the thing is that they live in a loft and though we go there every weekend we don’t have bedrooms nor space to live. My grandma always suggested moving to a bigger place but my grandpa loves where he lives and I don’t want him to move just because of us. He shouldn’t give up his place. But as much as I respect his wishes to stay there I also ask him to consider other things.

He should realize that even though I am a bit young to move alone I was also a bit young to go through everything I went through next to my mom. I was a bit young when I had to take my sister to school and miss my classes because she couldn’t take her. I was only 10 years old when my mom started having this out of characters episodes where she would manipulate us and the victimize herself. I was 11 when I found her in the bed with an overdose. I was 15 when I found her video chatting with another man in only a bra (she was married) I was 17 when I started having panic attacks because of violent nights she provoked.

He seems to forget I went through all this things being a minor. I might not be ready but I would rather take that than stay in my house with depression and the idea of never getting out. If I stay I fear the fantasies in my head, dreams of a better future might take me away and never bring me back to reality, to keep fighting and move on. I don’t feel like going out or seeing my friends, I don’t feel like studying or keep going with the career I chose. I feel numb and it’s not okay.

If I can get out it would be a better start. I would be able to try to be okay (with help of my therapist) in order to be more responsible to help my little sister. She needs a place and I want to give it to her. I know my mother, I know she will go crazy at first and then she’s going to accept it. In a month or so of having moved out she will be bringing my sister herself (it also happens that the apartment we are going to see tomorrow is in front of my sister’s school) it happened in 2014 when I moved momentarily to my grandparents place while they were travelling. At first she went mad and then she started to ask me to pick up my sister from her house and take her with me to my grandparent’s loft.

Hopefully tomorrow we’ll solve some things and things we’ll start to get better.

Now I feel like singing Tomorrow from Annie.

See ya!

 

4 Fact Survey

Hey people, how you doin’? [Joey’s voice] I’m doing horrible if you were interested in knowing. I got the freaking flu and right now I’m pretty sure I’m seeing double. But I’m going to do this anyway because life must go on.

So this Flu thing came on the worst time possible. I have classes and I can’t miss them (I already missed two) because next week I’m having a mini trip with my grandparents and sister and I’m going to be absent a whole week. The thing is, I feel like crap…


 

Anyway, first of all, thank you (Over)Analysing Literature for tagging me. I love doing these, they just keep me entertained.

The “rules” per say are answer the questions and then tag four more people so they can answer them, too. Let’s start.

Four names people call me other than my real name:

  • Jackie.
  • Jackita (my grandparents)
  • Hmm, I don’t know, that’s it really.

fun fact: My sister used to call me golden teddy bear when she was young and I have no idea why. She would hug me and say “my golden teddy bear” Now she’s a teenager and she rather be dead that call me that lol.

Four Jobs I’ve had:

Yeah… I only had one job: “Secretary Assistant” (in a formal way of putting it)

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

  • Lilo & Stitch
  • Mulan
  • Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
  •  Stardust.

There are so many really. (Mansfield Park, 10 Thing I Hate About You, any Marvel movie after Iron Man, Romeo + Juliet. Much Ado About Nothing… the list goes on and on…)

Four books or authors I recommend:

  • I’ll give you the sun by Jandy Nelson
  • The Raven Boys (The Raven Cycle) by Maggie Stiefvater
  • Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
  • Harry Potter books (Sorry I can’t help it!)

Okay, honestly these (except the Harry Potter books) are the last books I read and loved. I’m not good at recommending really. I could say classics but every time I recommended classics people just didn’t listen.

Four places I’ve lived:

I have only lived in one place, unfortunately.

Four places I’ve visited:

  • York, UK.
  • Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
  • Cancun, Mexico.
  • Florida, USA.

Four things I’d rather be doing right now:

  • Visiting Disney parks. (always)
  • Sleeping (I want to sleep this flu off!)
  • Traveling!
  • Dancing to some classic music as if I was in a period movie (Because I’m listening right now)

Four foods I prefer not to eat:

  • Spinach.
  • Pepper.
  • Fish (Fish are friends not food!)
  • Color noodles (EW!)

Four of my favorite foods:

  • Salads!
  • Squid rings
  • Fried chicken
  • Tacos (without pepper!)

Yeah I’m not much of a healthy eater.

Four television shows I watch: 

  • Daredevil
  • How to Get Away With Murder
  • Doctor Who
  • Bates Motel

(But I’m not updated with any of those because I suck)

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

  • Finding a job
  • Holidays
  • All superhero movies (and villain in the case of Suicide Squad)
  • JK. Rowling’s new book/play

(AND FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM MOVIE)

Four things I’m always saying:

  • “I want to go to Disney”
  • “This year I’ll get a job”
  • “I hate everyone”, “I always have to do everything”, “I’m behind with that tv show”
  • “Nina, you’re the most important thing to me” Says to her dog as her dog wants to get the hell out of the hug.

People I’m Asking:

If you want to do it and you’re not tagged feel free 🙂