Tomorrow I’m going out. Yeah me, going out like going to dance and “get drunk af!1!!!” How did I get into this situation? Well…
One of my friends is celebrating her birthday. I mentioned in this post I have two groups of friends, this girl is from my “best friends from high school” group. The issue with these girls is I’ve been slowly drifting away from them since last year. I went through a lot of phases with the subject, first the “I hate them” phase and then the “I’m the worst friend ever, this is all my fault” phase.
The thing is one of them kind of got mad at me and reclaimed me a couple of things (via messages) She said I should talk more, that I was creating distance between them and that everyone had issues and everyone talked about them because we were all best friends and that’s what we should do. I told her that I dealt with my problems in a different way, which I had hoped they would know by now.
This is when I realized that I was dealing with everything that was happening to me by digging a hole in myself and disappearing in it… like depression. I cried a lot that day while answering back to her because it finally hit me, I was sad. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything and it wasn’t a phase, I was depressed. When I told my therapist that I was afraid of what was going on with me she told me the good thing about facing this was that now I could fight to get out of the hole.
Back to my friend, I ended up telling her she was right because she was. I was being shitty by pushing them away. I told her I didn’t want to talk to them about my issues because I didn’t want to put them down. They had a lot of happy things to tell to each other and people to talk about and here I was talking about my damn issues at home… again. My life is that and nothing else. She then proceeded to explain to me that those were the exact things they wanted to hear from me because they were my friends and they were supposed to be there for me and listen to those things.
What I really thought was that these were not just problems at home I could talk to them about it and then gossip about “that guy/girl from last time” because these problems were my entire life. That was it. I was that and who would want to be a friend of someone who’s life is like that? Someone who doesn’t have anything to talk about aside from what goes on in her house? I didn’t tell her though because I’m me and I’m not honest about how I feel… usually because I just don’t know how I really feel.
So as I told her I would try to be more involved in the friendship. We had a picnic a week after and I promised myself I would be honest with them if they asked. They didn’t ask though and most of the time I stayed quiet listening to them. They were nice though. In everything they talked about they tried to explain where or when it happened. They did asked me about university and as I promised myself I told them the truth, that I was really confused and was going to wait until the end of the year to see what to do.
Now, a picnic is a lot more different that heading to a couple of bars and then going dancing not just with them but with a bunch of people who I don’t know (from her uni) and some guys from high school I do not know how to talk to them. So naturally, my anxiety is having an anxiety attack. Yesterday I could not sleep thinking about what I would wear and how would I get there and who would I be with and if I was going to drink or not, if I was going to stay quiet or talk, if I was going to look very needy if I followed my friends everywhere, if I was going to look stupid if I danced, etc. My heartbeat rising every once in a while reminding me that this is how I have to deal with just a night out.
I know that at the end of the day I end up wearing what I like and not what I think it would be more appropriate because I convince myself that if I’m going to do this thing at least I should go feeling comfortable with myself. Then, when I get there, I feel out-of-place and have a terrible urge to just go home. About my transport is always an issue because I don’t drive and the city is really dangerous at night. Besides I live a little far from where most of them live. When it comes to drinking I always end up doing it and feeling like crap after it. Alcohol can be great for someone who is shy and anxious, one becomes uninhibited I think is the correct word. And I’m 20, here you can drink at 18, however I feel really bad and conscious after it. Like I did something bad and something I shouldn’t be proud of.
Going out is a hell of a deal for me. I end up not knowing what to do or how to act and I know that tomorrow while I’m changing all I’m going to be thinking of is I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go.
I’m hoping for a rush of confidence and just don’t give a damn about it anymore.
Thanks for reading, see ya!
PS: I already used this title but I edited that post because I felt like the title is more appropriate for this post since the other talked about hanging out with friends rather than actually going out like “partaaayy” going out… Yeah I just said that, I’m going to stop writing now…