When you want to do everything but you can’t do nothing

I always considered myself to be a very creative person, or at least someone who wants to carry that trait. That’s why, in some way, I love social media. It allows you to express yourself in any way you want to. I love taking pictures in instagram, creating themes, having fun with the colors I use in my pictures (even if I’m not so good at it). I also love commenting about stuff, I love joking on twitter, upload screen caps or creating gif of some random tv show I’m currently watching, or simply just retweeting someone else creativeness. I use Tumblr since I’m 16 years old, I think it’s an incredible platform for inspiration, as well as Pinterest. I also love YouTube and I have some favorite youtubers myself (I have always thought about creating a channel). Last but not least I love reading and writing in WordPress. Even if I don’t do it often.

But usually in these platforms I take the place of spectator. I like following people who show their work, inspirations or self to the world. It’s something I would like to do without being so worried about what people think, a characteristic social anxiety feature.

Sometimes, I can’t even blame social anxiety because I think it’s something deeper than that. Something in myself and how I can never seem to be able to create things even though I feel inspired and my mind screams about it. It’s never something specific. Just the pure thought of wanting to create something, to do something. I wish I could put a name to the feeling.

When I started university I chose journalism over cinematography because I loved movies but what I loved more about it was to talk about it. I wanted to be able to do something about it and now that I’m studying journalism I think that somehow I have lost that. I love talking about entertainment. I would love to work with something like that and lately every time I get an… let’s call it art attack (lol yeah, like Art Attack from Disney) I found myself wanting to create something related to what I’m studying.

I’ve been thinking about how to approach this idea but honestly, I don’t even know. Because apparently a job doesn’t seem to be an option since I can’t seem to get one. My aunt told me that I should take it by my hands. If I want to do journalism about things I love or interest me I should do it myself. Experiment. She told me I should create a YouTube channel and to be honest the idea always tempted me but I can’t get my head around the idea because I’m really conscious about myself and others. I can’t stand the idea that people from my university or people from high school might see it and laugh about it. I know it’s something stupid. I shouldn’t care what other people think, everybody tells me that but I simply can’t? That’s the way I am. I can’t allow myself to be the way I like because I’m too self-conscious about others and what are they thinking.

Anyway… There’s no point in this post really. I stopped going to therapy a couple of months ago and I just needed to put my feelings down somewhere.

Have you ever felt so self-conscious that it stopped you from doing thing you really wanted to? Let me know in the comments, I’m interested in reading you 🙂

Hope we read each other soon!

 

From Brazil with love

So I’m trying a thing where instead of thinking what am I going to write about I just sit and open WordPress in hopes that inspiration will come along the way. Right now this thing is working. Obviously being in an almost paradisiacal place with the beautiful coast of Rio de Janeiro as the view and the people like tiny ants in the beaches of Leblon, Ipanema and Copacabana is helping a lot.

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I love Brazil, the always beautiful hotel I stay in, the beach, Jesus Christ (Cristo Redentor) up in the mountain looking down at the city and probably being mad at me because in these 17 years I have been coming to Rio I never in my life went to see him up close… and yeah probably also mad because I became an atheist and “betrayed” my family and I’m carrying Satan’s blood or something like that said my grandpa’s cousin once.

While I’m here and while I’m writing all this down I’m thinking that maybe I just need to be a little more natural. Not everything has to be long and carry powerful meanings, I’m obviously exaggerating here because I don’t believe any of my posts ever carried a powerful meaning… maybe the harry potter vs the movies, the message in that one was clear, THEY SCREWED UP EVERYTHING.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say while also telling you that I’m vacationing in Brazil is that I’m going to try to be more active. I can promise to try but I won’t promise it will work 🙂

Hope we read each other soon!

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PS: Hopefully I might be able to take better pictures and show you more.

remember when?

Remember that post where I told you guys about me being gone because of my finals, yeah well my finals ended like a month ago. Not really but sort of.

I’m starting to think I’m not that good at keeping up a blog, haha. The truth is I don’t know what to tell you about. I feel a million things I want to share, I see and read and experience things that I want to post for you and me yet somehow I can’t get myself to write them down…

I don’t want to exaggerate, my life is still pretty basic and normal. The only thing that changes are the new lives I live in books and the music I listen (I still listen to mostly hamilton) and the movies I enjoy. I do have different feelings that I feel like sharing but at the same time it confuses me because I feel like I’m mixing everything into this blog and at the end of the day no one knows what this is about, not even me.

I’m still going to write though, I just need more time to put my feelings together and analyse what’s going on in my life before pour it all down. And most important I need to remember that though readers are more than welcome I’m doing this for me.

hope we read each other soon.

 

What I’m into at the moment

Everytime I want to do a “What I’m into at the moment” post all I can think of is about the shows I’m watching at the moment and the fact that I want to talk about them. But honestly the only thing I can recall of this month was me watching tv shows, that’s it so let’s get into it.

  • Tv Shows

Last month I was totally attached to Bones. This month however I did a major throwback and decided to rewatch some old shows I watched. Not really watched completely though more like stopped watching but watched more than the half. In this case: Dawson’s Creek and The Office.

I decided to rewatch the season before of where I stopped watching that’s why I say I’m rewatching (I’m really not doing that though)

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I don’t think I ever mentioned it but I’m a sucker for teenage drama. I watched Gossip Girl and The O.C and I remember saying those were my favorite shows (They’re not… well I still love The O.C) When I was around 16 MTV was passing the episodes of Dawson’s Creek in Argentina and I decided to give it a try. I was so in love with it. I loved the characters and the fact that everything about this show was so unrealistic. From the way they talked to the way they looked (They were supposed to be 16 but they looked like 25) I didn’t care, I just loved it. Specially when Joey and Pacey got together, I started loving it even more because, let me tell you something, Pacey is by far one of my favorite characters in television ever. I stopped watching the show in season 4 though because I kinda knew that Joey and Pacey weren’t going to last and I didn’t want it to end so I stopped watching. Silly, I know.

However, a few weeks ago, after almost 5 years and knowing how the show was going to end (Yeah I had to make sure who was Pacey going to end with to continue watching) I decided to keep watching it. The thing is, now I’m about to end season six and I. Don’t. Want. To. I got so attached to the characters and their stories. I love Jen and Joey and I love Jack and I loooove Pacey.and I recently started liking Dawson for the first time after five seasons. Anyway yeah I’m all into this show at the moment. Worst thing is I can’t talk about it with anyone because it’s old and nobody I know watched it.

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I have so much love for The Office. It reminded me of when I watched Parks and Recreation and that show is one of my favorite evers. I have laughed so much with this one though. I started watching a long time ago, I don’t even remember when but I stopped around season 4. I don’t know why I always stop watching series at season 4. And this is not just because I also stopped watching Dawson’s Creek at season 4 but I also stopped watching a lot of shows on S4. Anyways, now suddenly decided that I needed a more laughter in my life so yeah, naturally, I turned to a tv show looking for it.

I’m currently on season 6 now and I watched it every night unlike Dawson’s Creek which I’m trying to delay so it doesn’t have to end, I’m lame.

I’m wishing for a new mockumentary to come because I honestly love them a lot.

  • Music

I haven’t find anything new and to be honest with myself I think my music taste is starting to suck. I used to be this person who would spend hours looking for new good music and now I just kind of play the everyday songs I have. Worst thing is I love listening to music, they’re literally not many times of the day when I’m not listening to music and I’m just starting to get bored of listening to the same stuff.

I also miss 8tracks, I used to find great songs on that app but because now it’s only available on the United States I can’t. You broke my heart, 8tracks, I loved you.

If you feel like it, recommend me music or songs you’re into at the moment.

  • Books

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I’m not reading anything at the moment but I have Uprooted in my table and I see it every day laying there tempting me to start reading so I might finally give in.

“Our Dragon doesn’t eat the girls he takes, no matter what stories they tell outside our valley. We hear them sometimes, from travelers passing through. They talk as though we were doing human sacrifice, and he were a real dragon. Of course that’s not true: he may be a wizard and immortal, but he’s still a man, and our fathers would band together and kill him if he wanted to eat one of us every ten years. He protects us against the Wood, and we’re grateful, but not that grateful.”

Agnieszka loves her valley home, her quiet village, the forests and the bright shining river. But the corrupted Wood stands on the border, full of malevolent power, and its shadow lies over her life.

Her people rely on the cold, driven wizard known only as the Dragon to keep its powers at bay. But he demands a terrible price for his help: one young woman handed over to serve him for ten years, a fate almost as terrible as falling to the Wood.

Sounds really cool, I was so excited when I found it on the book store. My cover is not as pretty as this one though.

  • Movie

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From the moment I saw the first picture of Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone dancing I was rooting for this movie. First of all because I love Emma Stone and I love Crazy, Stupid, Love so I loved them together with Ryan Gosling and they were kinda cool in Gangster Squad. But this movie? I don’t know if you have checked the trailer but it makes me so anxious and excited to see it.

The story is about “A jazz pianist falls for an aspiring actress in Los Angeles.” accordin to IMDB. I’ll leave you the trailer.

Plus Emma singing? I’m so up for this.

  • Clothes & Accesories

I’m all over this skirt I bought in H&M on my summer trip.

And that’s it, that’s all I have for the moment 🙂

See ya!

PS: I have ambiented my blog into a more spooky theme, I love Halloween.

 

 

Take a chance more like take a break

♫ Take a Break, runaway with us for the summer let’s go upstate… ♫

Hello WordPress! Today I wanted to write about something that I hope people with social anxiety or anxiety can relate.

You might know the expression “Live your life to the fullest” or not but it’s really easy to recognise what it means and find other similar quotes.

Live your life to the fullest, you only live once, take a chance. People usually say this when they’re about to do something out of the ordinary or really crazy. I used to say it to myself a lot when I was young, I was going to live life like there was no tomorrow, I was going to take every chance I get to have fun and be adventurous.

Turns out is not really like that… at least not for me. There are people who can do it. One day they show up with a different hair color, they just go backpacking, they go out and have the most crazy nights, they live freely. I really envy those people because it makes me realize that even if I had every chance to do it, I wouldn’t.

It often happened to me that I had the chance of having a good time with friends and decided to step back because it was too much for me. So much nervousness, fear, anxiety… When people would say “come on, go out with us tonight” or “let’s go dancing”, “if you don’t do it you’re going to regret it”, “if you don’t do it now, you’re not going to be able to do it again.” all this phrases pressuring me to do something I knew I couldn’t. And some of them are not even crazy. With just “Let’s go dancing” I would start shaking my head telling them I didn’t feel like going out that night (or any other night ever)

I’m just not capable of doing stuff like that with normality. Some of us over think everything, every little action, movement, stare. I can’t just relax and take it easy. Maybe you know this. I know this, I live with it. But what I’m just recently trying to understand is that it’s okay. It’s totally fine.

So of course, you start to get to know your anxiety and what to do or not to do, when to push yourself and when not to. You start playing it safe which I think it’s super okay. But maybe you need a little help to get out of your bubble, you know? Watching everyone around you might make you want to try, even if you don’t know how to or you feel like you’re surely going to fail. So who better than friends who understand your anxiety and can help you through it?

This brings me to a conclusion. In my experience I often felt misunderstood because when I would say I didn’t want to go dancing or I didn’t want to go out, my friends would get mad at me thinking that I was doing this because I was lazy or because I didn’t want to see them. I can’t really blame them or be mad because I don’t think they would understand it either. They would see no logic to my problem, I think only people who go through the same are able to fully understand you.

The only way for them to support you and for you to take a chance would be if they knew what you’re going through and you would have that type of moral support and that security that if you don’t do what others do people won’t get mad at you or tell you that you waste your time or even life.

It always makes me wonder what it would be like to tell my friends about my anxiety issues. They obviously know about the panic attacks because I have had them around them but I would want them to know that is deeper than that. That it’s not about them, it’s about me and my inability to do things others can naturally do.

If something similar happens to you I would recommend to speak up about it with your close friends. Make  sure they know your limitations, when to push and when to not.

Rambling finished for today, I’ll leave you with some relatable buzzfeed joke 🙂


See ya!

It’s official

It’s official, folks. I have an apartment. If I had a list right now I would be checking this one out. Next? Moving into the apartment, learning how to drive and getting a job. Two weeks ago I spent all my days after classes sending CV’s to different places. This job thing is really hard.

My University keeps denying my CV every time I apply for a job on their website. Apparently it’s not good enough or something. I can’t do anything about it though unless they wanted me to lie and magically gain experience at night. Isn’t it funny? How they look for someone with experience but in order to gain experience you have to be hired by someone first? I just hope I do get a job because part of moving on my own was to be able to maintain myself or at least help my grandparents a little.

Overall everything is okay. I have to wait for my grandparents to arrive to officially start moving in since I don’t even have a bed. That keeps me a little anxious since they’re coming back from their trip in two (or three weeks, with them you can never be sure). I started looking for things though (bed, table, refrigerator, etc), I’m a bit over excited.

I have the feeling they don’t want me to be. The reason my grandparents accepted the whole renting an apartment for me was because they know I can’t live with my mother anymore and there is no space where they live. I feel like they’re expecting me to know that I’m not ready and that although they accepted they’re not okay with it. I don’t know it’s weird.

I was once having a conversation with my grandpa and he sort of suggested that I wanted to move out from my mom’s house not because I was ready but because there was no other option. That if things weren’t the way they were I wouldn’t want to move out. What 20-year-old kid with over protecting family doesn’t want to live alone? I think he was sort of reassuring himself that I wouldn’t have taken this big adult decision if my mom wasn’t the way she was. He wants to keep seeing me as a little girl. Always.

So yeah, there’s the excitement of living alone but there’s also the feeling that with my grandparents it won’t be easy. I’m thankful though and positive that one way or another things will work out.

Just wanted to write a little update here 🙂

See ya!

 

Blog-Friend Award

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Award time! God I missed doing this, they’re so fun, plus I’ve never done this one so yay! I was tagged by girlonrainbow, thank you very much! Make sure to check her blog because it’s honestly the cutest thing ever. I love her photos (like really, really love them haha) and the fact that english isn’t her native language and she still has an english blog like me it’s really cool!

Rules

  1. Talk about the blogger who nominated you and give your readers an idea of what their blog’s about
  2. Answer the questions (unlimited) given
  3. Nominate some bloggers (or you can make an open nomination). g. anyone can do this award!
  4. Let the bloggers know that you nominated them (if you picked specific bloggers!)
  5. Give your nominations some questions to answer (unlimited)

Let’s start answering!

1) What’s the Thing you love most about Blogging?

I think what I love most about it is writing about the things I like. You know when you want to profoundly talk about something but nobody will hear you or they will hear you but just a couple of minutes and then get bored and change the subject? Well that can’t happen when you blog. You get to talk about what you love and if other share that love they can get into the discussion.

2) What’s your dream-holiday?

Italy. I don’t know why but right now I’m so into going to Italy. Or Hawaii, I’m open for that too, haha.

3) If you could buy anything you want, what three things would you buy?

  • I think it would always change, right now I want a MacBook Air because I’m currently using my grandma’s mac and it’s amazing. I was always so against Mac’s I have no idea why because after using one my life changed haha.
  •  Hamilton tickets, of course.
  • Bed sheets? I’m moving soon and I need some new ones.

3) Favourite breakfast?

waffles with bacon.

4) What do you do when you’re really really angry or sad to calm down/ be ok again?

I lay down and listen to music or watch something to calm down (YouTube videos of an interview with a favorite actor/actress or a Parks & Rec or The Office episode)

5)What Kind of blog posts do you read/write most likely?

Usually personal ones, ones with pictures, favorites of the [month], movie reviews and book reviews.

Lovely questions!

My Questions:

  1. Favorite social media?
  2. Favorite movie of the moment?
  3. If you could get a tattoo what would it be?
  4. Favorite celebrity at the moment?
  5. How would you describe your style?

I’m not going to tag anyone and just keep it open for anyone who wishes to do it! If you do it let me now I would love to read your answers!