Introvert

“You always see in movies and in books that an introverted character eventually breaks out of their shell because one person changes them and if I’m being honest, I hate that. I hate the idea that something is wrong with introversion. Yes, socializing is good, but not a lot of people understand how physically and emotionally draining it is to be in crowds of people or to be told to “let loose” and “have fun.” As an introvert, my idea of fun is sitting on my couch reading a book, and listening to the rain as it hits the roof. If that’s boring to other people, then that’s fine, but I shouldn’t have to feel bad just because I have a different way of having fun. No one should.

Introversion shouldn’t be scolded, it should be embraced and celebrated and people who are introverts shouldn’t have to feel bad about it. There is no need to try and change something about us we can’t help.” – yatoofthedawn on tumblr

A little something I read a while back on Tumblr and decided to share it because I wish everyone I know would understand this.

 

When you want to do everything but you can’t do nothing

I always considered myself to be a very creative person, or at least someone who wants to carry that trait. That’s why, in some way, I love social media. It allows you to express yourself in any way you want to. I love taking pictures in instagram, creating themes, having fun with the colors I use in my pictures (even if I’m not so good at it). I also love commenting about stuff, I love joking on twitter, upload screen caps or creating gif of some random tv show I’m currently watching, or simply just retweeting someone else creativeness. I use Tumblr since I’m 16 years old, I think it’s an incredible platform for inspiration, as well as Pinterest. I also love YouTube and I have some favorite youtubers myself (I have always thought about creating a channel). Last but not least I love reading and writing in WordPress. Even if I don’t do it often.

But usually in these platforms I take the place of spectator. I like following people who show their work, inspirations or self to the world. It’s something I would like to do without being so worried about what people think, a characteristic social anxiety feature.

Sometimes, I can’t even blame social anxiety because I think it’s something deeper than that. Something in myself and how I can never seem to be able to create things even though I feel inspired and my mind screams about it. It’s never something specific. Just the pure thought of wanting to create something, to do something. I wish I could put a name to the feeling.

When I started university I chose journalism over cinematography because I loved movies but what I loved more about it was to talk about it. I wanted to be able to do something about it and now that I’m studying journalism I think that somehow I have lost that. I love talking about entertainment. I would love to work with something like that and lately every time I get an… let’s call it art attack (lol yeah, like Art Attack from Disney) I found myself wanting to create something related to what I’m studying.

I’ve been thinking about how to approach this idea but honestly, I don’t even know. Because apparently a job doesn’t seem to be an option since I can’t seem to get one. My aunt told me that I should take it by my hands. If I want to do journalism about things I love or interest me I should do it myself. Experiment. She told me I should create a YouTube channel and to be honest the idea always tempted me but I can’t get my head around the idea because I’m really conscious about myself and others. I can’t stand the idea that people from my university or people from high school might see it and laugh about it. I know it’s something stupid. I shouldn’t care what other people think, everybody tells me that but I simply can’t? That’s the way I am. I can’t allow myself to be the way I like because I’m too self-conscious about others and what are they thinking.

Anyway… There’s no point in this post really. I stopped going to therapy a couple of months ago and I just needed to put my feelings down somewhere.

Have you ever felt so self-conscious that it stopped you from doing thing you really wanted to? Let me know in the comments, I’m interested in reading you 🙂

Hope we read each other soon!

 

Take a chance more like take a break

♫ Take a Break, runaway with us for the summer let’s go upstate… ♫

Hello WordPress! Today I wanted to write about something that I hope people with social anxiety or anxiety can relate.

You might know the expression “Live your life to the fullest” or not but it’s really easy to recognise what it means and find other similar quotes.

Live your life to the fullest, you only live once, take a chance. People usually say this when they’re about to do something out of the ordinary or really crazy. I used to say it to myself a lot when I was young, I was going to live life like there was no tomorrow, I was going to take every chance I get to have fun and be adventurous.

Turns out is not really like that… at least not for me. There are people who can do it. One day they show up with a different hair color, they just go backpacking, they go out and have the most crazy nights, they live freely. I really envy those people because it makes me realize that even if I had every chance to do it, I wouldn’t.

It often happened to me that I had the chance of having a good time with friends and decided to step back because it was too much for me. So much nervousness, fear, anxiety… When people would say “come on, go out with us tonight” or “let’s go dancing”, “if you don’t do it you’re going to regret it”, “if you don’t do it now, you’re not going to be able to do it again.” all this phrases pressuring me to do something I knew I couldn’t. And some of them are not even crazy. With just “Let’s go dancing” I would start shaking my head telling them I didn’t feel like going out that night (or any other night ever)

I’m just not capable of doing stuff like that with normality. Some of us over think everything, every little action, movement, stare. I can’t just relax and take it easy. Maybe you know this. I know this, I live with it. But what I’m just recently trying to understand is that it’s okay. It’s totally fine.

So of course, you start to get to know your anxiety and what to do or not to do, when to push yourself and when not to. You start playing it safe which I think it’s super okay. But maybe you need a little help to get out of your bubble, you know? Watching everyone around you might make you want to try, even if you don’t know how to or you feel like you’re surely going to fail. So who better than friends who understand your anxiety and can help you through it?

This brings me to a conclusion. In my experience I often felt misunderstood because when I would say I didn’t want to go dancing or I didn’t want to go out, my friends would get mad at me thinking that I was doing this because I was lazy or because I didn’t want to see them. I can’t really blame them or be mad because I don’t think they would understand it either. They would see no logic to my problem, I think only people who go through the same are able to fully understand you.

The only way for them to support you and for you to take a chance would be if they knew what you’re going through and you would have that type of moral support and that security that if you don’t do what others do people won’t get mad at you or tell you that you waste your time or even life.

It always makes me wonder what it would be like to tell my friends about my anxiety issues. They obviously know about the panic attacks because I have had them around them but I would want them to know that is deeper than that. That it’s not about them, it’s about me and my inability to do things others can naturally do.

If something similar happens to you I would recommend to speak up about it with your close friends. Make  sure they know your limitations, when to push and when to not.

Rambling finished for today, I’ll leave you with some relatable buzzfeed joke 🙂


See ya!