I always considered myself to be a very creative person, or at least someone who wants to carry that trait. That’s why, in some way, I love social media. It allows you to express yourself in any way you want to. I love taking pictures in instagram, creating themes, having fun with the colors I use in my pictures (even if I’m not so good at it). I also love commenting about stuff, I love joking on twitter, upload screen caps or creating gif of some random tv show I’m currently watching, or simply just retweeting someone else creativeness. I use Tumblr since I’m 16 years old, I think it’s an incredible platform for inspiration, as well as Pinterest. I also love YouTube and I have some favorite youtubers myself (I have always thought about creating a channel). Last but not least I love reading and writing in WordPress. Even if I don’t do it often.
But usually in these platforms I take the place of spectator. I like following people who show their work, inspirations or self to the world. It’s something I would like to do without being so worried about what people think, a characteristic social anxiety feature.
Sometimes, I can’t even blame social anxiety because I think it’s something deeper than that. Something in myself and how I can never seem to be able to create things even though I feel inspired and my mind screams about it. It’s never something specific. Just the pure thought of wanting to create something, to do something. I wish I could put a name to the feeling.
When I started university I chose journalism over cinematography because I loved movies but what I loved more about it was to talk about it. I wanted to be able to do something about it and now that I’m studying journalism I think that somehow I have lost that. I love talking about entertainment. I would love to work with something like that and lately every time I get an… let’s call it art attack (lol yeah, like Art Attack from Disney) I found myself wanting to create something related to what I’m studying.
I’ve been thinking about how to approach this idea but honestly, I don’t even know. Because apparently a job doesn’t seem to be an option since I can’t seem to get one. My aunt told me that I should take it by my hands. If I want to do journalism about things I love or interest me I should do it myself. Experiment. She told me I should create a YouTube channel and to be honest the idea always tempted me but I can’t get my head around the idea because I’m really conscious about myself and others. I can’t stand the idea that people from my university or people from high school might see it and laugh about it. I know it’s something stupid. I shouldn’t care what other people think, everybody tells me that but I simply can’t? That’s the way I am. I can’t allow myself to be the way I like because I’m too self-conscious about others and what are they thinking.
Anyway… There’s no point in this post really. I stopped going to therapy a couple of months ago and I just needed to put my feelings down somewhere.
Have you ever felt so self-conscious that it stopped you from doing thing you really wanted to? Let me know in the comments, I’m interested in reading you 🙂
Hope we read each other soon!