Let the 5 page long rant about me begin…
The issue I want to talk about is “Friends.” Not Friends the TV show, I don’t have an issue with that though I am kind of mad Matthew Perry didn’t show up to the reunion, not cool dude, Chandler was (is) my favorite one. Fun fact: I always get carried away. I guess it’s because I’m not a writer and… Oh my god, I’m doing it again.
Okay, back to the main thing. I wanted to talk about my relationship with the word “Friend.”
I already said I picture myself as someone really childish. If you take a look at the things I like without knowing my age you will assume I’m a 16-year-old girl. I hide what I like and obsess about from my real life friends because while they talk about love interests and “That time we went out and got really wasted,” I’m interested in things like Captain America: Civil War and young adult fantasy novels or shows like Teen Wolf and Shadowhunters (guilty pleasure!) I feel like everyone around me grew up but me. In real life I only have 7 friends, literally. I could add my college friends but (although I like them) we don’t have anything in common and I just don’t trust them yet. My 7 closest friends are all females and I held different relationships with me. They’re divided in groups.
The “High School Best Friends”:
I use to tell these 4 everything but as soon as school finished and college started I kind of stopped. We graduated, they were all starting university and I was stuck in high school finishing some subjects. Every time we would get together they would start talking about classes and new friends, new activities, boys… this world I was no part of.
I don’t blame them thought. Things should be like that and I was so happy they were starting this new phase in their lives and that they wanted to share it with me. So it felt like a bummer every time they asked what I was up to, to answer “Oh you know, same old same old. Mom still alcoholic, sleepless nights and discussions that end with violence.” It was horrible that everything I had to answer to that question was related to my issues at home. So I started answering “Oh nothing new, just working on those high school subjects” instead of telling them the real deal. I felt like I was creating some distance with them. They cared about things every 18-year-old should care (relationships, going out, having fun, sex, alcohol and rock and roll?) and I just didn’t have any interest in. I started to feel more and more distanced from them. Now every time we get together I’m shy and quiet. There is a lot of awkward silence and anxiousness from my part.
It’s not like my friends don’t know something’s wrong with me though. They know about the panic attacks for example. They saw me having one once and they helped me through it. After that they never pushed me into going dancing or those kinds of things like they used to. Before they would get mad because I didn’t want to go. But that was in high school and I get the feeling they were expecting me to grow out of them. And now I feel like things are different. I mean, we all are but it’s like the four of them grew up different but tighter at the same time. They talk to each other, they don’t have awkward silences. They see each other often. I don’t do that. I only see them when we all get together. I try to avoid going out at night since I’m not very fond of going dancing and drinking, this creates more space between us because they have all these funny anecdotes and share secret jokes and know people I don’t.
I tried once or twice to go. Play normal, have fun with them, get drunk, have one of those nights we could laugh about. I don’t think they have the same effect on me. They remember them with laughter and I feel that in those memories I’m out of myself, it’s not really me but someone who’s pretending.
The “Childhood Best Friends”:
I could get a little more intimate with them. Get more intimate sounds really not what I meant. Let’s just say I could open up a little more with them. Both of them have similar stories to share (The “my mom is crazy” club) so we would get together, have dinner and talk about our lives and troubles.
I always looked up to these two friends because they would always have the most eccentric stories to tell me. Yes, there’s still the main problem, I feel like everyone is a grown up but me. Specially with them since they became these two beautiful and mature young women who would talk about sex with such normality (like it should be, you know) and I would listen curiously because I was a virgin in the subject (I just made myself laugh) but they would also talk about their issues with their families making me feel more comfortable to tell them what was going on at home. Not that they didn’t know, I always told them.
The “Closest Friend”:
It’s weird I feel like she’s the closest yet she doesn’t know anything about my family problems. I feel like with her I can be who I really am, I can get my geek on and she will listen to me (and I would listen to her) and we would talk about books and go to see movies together and have the most amazing sleepovers where we always end up talking about the universe and its complexity. I know why she’s my best and closest friend. I don’t feel left out or immature around her. I feel like being myself its okay.
But she doesn’t know.
For her I’m just a normal shy person… Whoa did you get the “for her I’m just a normal person… but I’m really… Batman” vibe? No? Ok going on, not normal… just shy around strangers. The thing, and I always debated this with myself, is that I never want her to know what happens really. She can come home and hang out at my house and I won’t feel embarrassed or anxious like I felt every time my high school friends came home, because they knew. They knew the whole act my mom made in front of them was a lie and they knew who she really was and I was always scared of what they might think of her. It’s silly I know. I was the one who run to tell them I hated my mom for the horrible things she did but then expected everyone to like her. It’s like I don’t want anybody talking or thinking bad of her even though I do it.
I don’t know if someone can feel related to this. It’s really personal, but maybe the feeling you have when you’re around friends and you feel like you’re just not mature enough for them. I know maturity is debatable. I may like Teen Wolf and still obsess over Harry Potter and swoon over actors but I also have big responsibilities I shouldn’t have had at home since I was 16. And I wasn’t strong enough to put a stop in all that so I grew into that space. That horrible space caused long talks in therapy and finally my therapist telling me I had social anxiety, which I haven’t told anyone. I only told my mother who doesn’t take it seriously enough.
Maybe someone here feels related growing up with a difficult home and having to take responsibilities that weren’t yours to take at really young age. Usually when someone writes this things, they’re also looking for people who would relate. So they don’t feel alone.
In my first post I said I tend to over analyze things because I always want to know the reason behind doing something or behaving in a certain way or simply being the way I am. I do it with my friends too; I over analyze and double think everything and I feel that this puts a distance with everyone. “Don’t say this, they might think you’re weird”, “don’t get too excited they’re going to think you’re overreacting”, “don’t tell them that, you’re going to make everyone depressed”, “don’t tell them you like that, they’ll think you’re childish” and the list goes on and on.