When you want to do everything but you can’t do nothing

I always considered myself to be a very creative person, or at least someone who wants to carry that trait. That’s why, in some way, I love social media. It allows you to express yourself in any way you want to. I love taking pictures in instagram, creating themes, having fun with the colors I use in my pictures (even if I’m not so good at it). I also love commenting about stuff, I love joking on twitter, upload screen caps or creating gif of some random tv show I’m currently watching, or simply just retweeting someone else creativeness. I use Tumblr since I’m 16 years old, I think it’s an incredible platform for inspiration, as well as Pinterest. I also love YouTube and I have some favorite youtubers myself (I have always thought about creating a channel). Last but not least I love reading and writing in WordPress. Even if I don’t do it often.

But usually in these platforms I take the place of spectator. I like following people who show their work, inspirations or self to the world. It’s something I would like to do without being so worried about what people think, a characteristic social anxiety feature.

Sometimes, I can’t even blame social anxiety because I think it’s something deeper than that. Something in myself and how I can never seem to be able to create things even though I feel inspired and my mind screams about it. It’s never something specific. Just the pure thought of wanting to create something, to do something. I wish I could put a name to the feeling.

When I started university I chose journalism over cinematography because I loved movies but what I loved more about it was to talk about it. I wanted to be able to do something about it and now that I’m studying journalism I think that somehow I have lost that. I love talking about entertainment. I would love to work with something like that and lately every time I get an… let’s call it art attack (lol yeah, like Art Attack from Disney) I found myself wanting to create something related to what I’m studying.

I’ve been thinking about how to approach this idea but honestly, I don’t even know. Because apparently a job doesn’t seem to be an option since I can’t seem to get one. My aunt told me that I should take it by my hands. If I want to do journalism about things I love or interest me I should do it myself. Experiment. She told me I should create a YouTube channel and to be honest the idea always tempted me but I can’t get my head around the idea because I’m really conscious about myself and others. I can’t stand the idea that people from my university or people from high school might see it and laugh about it. I know it’s something stupid. I shouldn’t care what other people think, everybody tells me that but I simply can’t? That’s the way I am. I can’t allow myself to be the way I like because I’m too self-conscious about others and what are they thinking.

Anyway… There’s no point in this post really. I stopped going to therapy a couple of months ago and I just needed to put my feelings down somewhere.

Have you ever felt so self-conscious that it stopped you from doing thing you really wanted to? Let me know in the comments, I’m interested in reading you 🙂

Hope we read each other soon!

 

“I hate everyone” mode

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Long time no read… or not, I feel like it has been a lot because I’m used to writing a post once a day but as I told you (or maybe not I don’t remember) I’m on a mini trip with my grandparents. At first I wasn’t so sure because I’m missing classes and it makes me feel guilty but it all went away when I saw this place. It’s so beautiful here. Next post I’m going to put some pictures to show you. I’m in love!

Also, I’m writing in a public space! For some of you this might be really normal but I’m not used to it at all. I don’t like people watching me writing, asking me what I’m writing or seeing behind my back. This is supposed to be secret, kinda. I mean, nobody knows about my blog.

Back to the main subject I wanted to talk about something I already talked about. On one of the last posts I wrote about how I wanted to move to US. I told my therapist and we had a really important talk about me. Because believe it or not in my sessions my main focus is always my family problems and I forget to talk about myself. Well it’s not like I forget is just that there’s no time but we’re trying to change that, I have a lot of issues too aside from my family.

The main one (at the moment) is how I don’t seem to want to be around friends anymore. I told you about my friends (here) well as I said in that post my issues begun in December. I think my therapist is a little bit worried because at first she thought I didn’t want to be around my family anymore and that’s why I wanted to move to US, it was understandable with all the issues we have. I then told her it wasn’t just family but friends too, people I know, people i knew from high school, people from college, everyone (except maybe my sister and my best friend) It’s like I don’t want to be around them anymore. I want somewhere far to start again and to feel like I can be me. My therapist told me it’s something we need to discuss more deeply in my sessions and I agree. I don’t think my urge to leave my country will stop though. It’s not only people I don’t want to see anymore it’s also life here and my career.

Writing this in a public space feels so wrong, it’s just that I don’t have wi-fi in my room which was a bit of a downer on this trip. I’m an addict I need Wi-Fi!

This feeling of “hating everyone” makes me feel bad. It’s not their fault. It’s mine for being such a bad friend and not wanting to catch up with them. I care for them, years of friendship bring love and I love them, I have told them some of my most fucked up situations with my family and they always listened and supported me, at least when I used to tell them about it. Things changed so much and now I rather stay home than catch up andgo out  with them and I first thought it was them, that they were different but it’s me. I’m the one who wants to get away and leave all behind.

It’s like I want to runaway and start a new life without screwing up and having issues. I know things will follow me but I want new. Running away sounds like such and evasive plan so I don’t have to face reality here, I’m afraid that’s it. That the reason I want to leave is not because I want to start again somewhere new, meet new people and find a job but more like because I can’t stand who I am here, how people see me, the fact that I might have ruined my friendship with my friends, my fucked up family or that I have second thoughts about everything concerning my career and future.

You may ask why I am thinking all this while being in such a beautiful place like I told you. I don’t know, I was thinking of how much I missed writing here and expressing myself and this suddenly came to my mind. It’s boring I know I’m sorry. Next post I’ll show you all about my trip.

Thanks for following me!

see ya 🙂

Friends and Problems

Let the 5 page long rant about me begin…

The issue I want to talk about is “Friends.” Not Friends the TV show,  I don’t have an issue with that though I am kind of mad Matthew Perry didn’t show up to the reunion, not cool dude, Chandler was (is) my favorite one. Fun fact: I always get carried away. I guess it’s because I’m not a writer and… Oh my god, I’m doing it again.

Okay, back to the main thing. I wanted to talk about my relationship with the word “Friend.”

I already said I picture myself as someone really childish. If you take a look at the things I like without knowing my age you will assume I’m a 16-year-old girl. I hide what I like and obsess about from my real life friends because while they talk about love interests and “That time we went out and got really wasted,” I’m interested in things like Captain America: Civil War and young adult fantasy novels or shows like Teen Wolf and Shadowhunters (guilty pleasure!) I feel like everyone around me grew up but me. In real life I only have 7 friends, literally. I could add my college friends but (although I like them) we don’t have anything in common and I just don’t trust them yet. My 7 closest friends are all females and I held different relationships with me. They’re divided in groups.

The “High School Best Friends”:

I use to tell these 4 everything but as soon as school finished and college started I kind of stopped. We graduated, they were all starting university and I was stuck in high school finishing some subjects. Every time we would get together they would start talking about classes and new friends, new activities, boys… this world I was no part of.

I don’t blame them thought. Things should be like that and I was so happy they were starting this new phase in their lives and that they wanted to share it with me. So it felt like a bummer every time they asked what I was up to, to answer “Oh you know, same old same old. Mom still alcoholic, sleepless nights and discussions that end with violence.” It was horrible that everything I had to answer to that question was related to my issues at home. So I started answering “Oh nothing new, just working on those high school subjects” instead of telling them the real deal. I felt like I was creating some distance with them. They cared about things every 18-year-old should care (relationships, going out, having fun, sex, alcohol and rock and roll?) and I just didn’t have any interest in. I started to feel more and more distanced from them. Now every time we get together I’m shy and quiet. There is a lot of awkward silence and anxiousness from my part.

It’s not like my friends don’t know something’s wrong with me though. They know about the panic attacks for example. They saw me having one once and they helped me through it. After that they never pushed me into going dancing or those kinds of things like they used to. Before they would get mad because I didn’t want to go. But that was in high school and I get the feeling they were expecting me to grow out of them. And now I feel like things are different. I mean, we all are but it’s like the four of them grew up different but tighter at the same time. They talk to each other, they don’t have awkward silences. They see each other often. I don’t do that. I only see them when we all get together. I try to avoid going out at night since I’m not very fond of going dancing and drinking, this creates more space between us because they have all these funny anecdotes and share secret jokes and know people I don’t.

I tried once or twice to go. Play normal, have fun with them, get drunk, have one of those nights we could laugh about. I don’t think they have the same effect on me. They remember them with laughter and I feel that in those memories I’m out of myself, it’s not really me but someone who’s pretending.

The “Childhood Best Friends”:

I could get a little more intimate with them. Get more intimate sounds really not what I meant. Let’s just say I could open up a little more with them. Both of them have similar stories to share (The “my mom is crazy” club) so we would get together, have dinner and talk about our lives and troubles.

I always looked up to these two friends because they would always have the most eccentric stories to tell me. Yes, there’s still the main problem, I feel like everyone is a grown up but me. Specially with them since they became these two beautiful and mature young women who would talk about sex with such normality (like it should be, you know) and I would listen curiously because I was a virgin in the subject (I just made myself laugh) but they would also talk about their issues with their families making me feel more comfortable to tell them what was going on at home. Not that they didn’t know, I always told them.

The “Closest Friend”:

It’s weird I feel like she’s the closest yet she doesn’t know anything about my family problems. I feel like with her I can be who I really am, I can get my geek on and she will listen to me (and I would listen to her) and we would talk about books and go to see movies together and have the most amazing sleepovers where we always end up talking about the universe and its complexity. I know why she’s my best and closest friend. I don’t feel left out or immature around her. I feel like being myself its okay.

But she doesn’t know.

For her I’m just a normal shy person… Whoa did you get the “for her I’m just a normal person… but I’m really… Batman” vibe? No? Ok going on, not normal… just shy around strangers. The thing, and I always debated this with myself, is that I never want her to know what happens really. She can come home and  hang out at my house and I won’t feel embarrassed or anxious like I felt every time my high school friends came home, because they knew. They knew the whole act my mom made in front of them was a lie and they knew who she really was and I was always scared of what they might think of her. It’s silly I know. I was the one who run to tell them I hated my mom for the horrible things she did but then expected everyone to like her. It’s like I don’t want anybody talking or thinking bad of her even though I do it.

I don’t know if someone can feel related to this. It’s really personal, but maybe the feeling you have when you’re around friends and you feel like you’re just not mature enough for them. I know maturity is debatable. I may like Teen Wolf and still obsess over Harry Potter and swoon over actors but I also have big responsibilities I shouldn’t have had at home since I was 16. And I wasn’t strong enough to put a stop in all that so I grew into that space. That horrible space caused long talks in therapy and finally my therapist telling me I had social anxiety, which I haven’t told anyone. I only told my mother who doesn’t take it seriously enough.

Maybe someone here feels related growing up with a difficult home and having to take responsibilities that weren’t yours to take at really young age. Usually when someone writes this things, they’re also looking for people who would relate. So they don’t feel alone.

In my first post I said I tend to over analyze things because I always want to know the reason behind doing something or behaving in a certain way or simply being the way I am. I do it with my friends too; I over analyze and double think everything and I feel that this puts a distance with everyone. “Don’t say this, they might think you’re weird”, “don’t get too excited they’re going to think you’re overreacting”, “don’t tell them that, you’re going to make everyone depressed”, “don’t tell them you like that, they’ll think you’re childish” and the list goes on and on.